Objection. What is the question?

The question is: what makes you so special, Mrs. Dubois? What do you really do for the District Attorney? Who are you really, Mrs. Dubois?

Well, I'm not Adam Humphries.

What did she just say?

She said, "I'm not Adam Humphries."

Who the hell is Adam Humphries?

What did you just say?

Adam Humphries. He took your bar exam for you.

I can't hear them. Can you hear them?

After you cheated, but still failed three times.

Counselor, I need you take your hand off the microphone.

And I'm not Dean Gardner. You bribed him to keep quite in your last murder trial.

Objection, Your Honor, Defense is having a private conversation with the witness.

And I'm not Shannon Cell, but then you know that. Cause your cheating on your wife with her.

Mr. Watt, I'm going to ask you to remove your hand from the microphone and back away from the witness, please.

So now you know. Do you really want to keep asking me who I am?

Mr. Watt.

At the risk of everyone finding out who you are?

Don't make me get the bailiff to remove you. Bailiff, assist Defense Counsel back to his seat, please.

Sir.

No, I'm fine. I'm fine.

Will the court reporter please read back the last question from counsel.

The question is: What makes you so special, Mrs. Dubois? What do you really do for the District Attorney? Who are you really Mrs. Dubois?

I'm just a part time consultant trying to do her job.

No further questions, Your Honor. We reserve the right to recall this witness at another time.

Medium

Hi.



Hey. Okay, so I've scoured the entire store and here's what we got.



Hit me.



Horn of Gondor, Legolas' bow, and a cape.

Cape for who?



There's 4,000 people in that movie who wear capes - you can't pick one?



Wow, you're crabby.



Well, I wore a bracelet to school today. My parents were called. There was a special service in chapel, and I've been ordered to a soul-searching seminar next week. I'll be sitting between the nail-polish-wearing girl and the spicy condiment user.



I'm sorry.



That's okay.

Leave the horn, the bow, and the bill.

Right.

Gilmore Girls

Ever had Bolivian bacon?

No.

It changes you.

iCarly

Okay, but what if they're not innocent? What if a guy takes a boat load of nuns and orphans, puts 'em through a wood chipper. The blood's all over him. Would you then still support the death penalty for that man? Or would you be saying, "No, let's rehabilitate him and give him a wood working class?" Could you use your DNA to put a guy in the chair and flip the switch, sir?

Well, we have to first see whether if it's based on DNA, or a is it an eye witness identification or did somebody--

Everything. You're there, you saw it. Everybody saw it. It's on national television. The DNA's there. There's an eye witness. He says, "I did it." God comes down from a cloud and says "Juice 'em." Are you for executing people who are found guilty?

Well, no. The problem--

Then how do we get vengeance? How do we get vengeance, sir? How do we get retribution? Because it doesn't matter--Listen, you kill a few people that's fine, but we get closure.

Well, if you really want closure then the best thing--and it's what's happening across the country--is you have the penalty of life without parole. Because right now in California it takes twenty-five years ah, after somebody is sentenced to death to get an execution and most of those cases are reversed anyhow. In the next five years, California is going to spend a billion dollars on the death penalty. Now, that money could be used-- and you know, they're laying off police and prosecutors in that state. So if you really want to be safe, the smartest solution is to take the money that's being wasted on the death penalty which doesn't get things right with erase effects and all kinds of problems--

I know how you could get that money back. Sell tickets. Listen , Barry if I ever get caught for that thing I did, will you get me off?

Absolutely.

The Colbert Report

Ah, Ladies and Gentlemen before we bring this rodeo to a close, I think a couple of things should be said. There's been a lot of speculation in the press about what I legally can and can't say about NBC. And this isn't a joke, to set the record straight, and this is true, tonight I'm allowed to say anything I want. And no, it's not a joke. But thanks sir.

Tonight, I really am allowed to say anything I want. And what I want to say is this: Between my time at Saturday Night Live, The Late Night Show and my brief run here at The Tonight Show, I've worked with NBC for over 20 years. Yes, we have our differences right now. Yes, we're going our separate ways, but this company has been my home for most of my adult life. I'm enormously proud of the work we've done together. And I want to thank NBC for making it all possible. I really do.

A lot of people have been asking me about my state of mind. I'll be honest with you: walking away from The Tonight Show is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Making this choice has been enormously difficult. This is the best job in the world. I absolutely love doing it. And I have the best staff and crew in the history of the medium. I will fight anybody who says I don't, ah, but no one would. But despite this sense of loss, I really feel this should be a happy moment. Every comedian--every comedian-- dreams of hosting The Tonight Show. And for seven months I got to do it. And I did it my way with people I love. I do not regret one second of anything that we've done here.

I encounter people when I walk on the street now, who give me sort of a sad look. I have had more good fortune than anybody I know. And if our next gig is doing a show in a 7-11 parking lot, we will find a way to make it fun. We really will. I have no problems. I don't want to do it in a 7-11 parking lot, but whatever.

Finally, I have something to say to our fans. This massive outpouring of support and passion from so many people has been overwhelming for me. The rallies, the signs, all this goofy outrageous creativity on the Internet. Ah. The fact that people have traveled long distances and camped out all night in the pouring rain. It's pouring. It's been pouring for days. And they’re camping out to be in our audience. Really. Here's what all of you have done: you made a sad situation joyous and inspirational. So to all the people watching, I can never ever thank you enough for the kindness to me. I'll think about it for the rest of my life. And all I ask is one thing. I'm asking this particularly of young people that watch. Please do not be cynical. I hate cynicism. For the record, it's my least favorite quality. It doesn’t lead anywhere. Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen. I'm telling you, amazing things will happen. I'm telling you. It's just true.

The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien

So I’ve been thinking. If we end up catching the devil, and he starts acting all devil-y, I know what to do.
First I’ll buy a fiddle. Play a quick tune, so he underestimates my ability. Then I’ll challenge him to a wager: he wins, he gets my soul; I win, we get his cooperation.


Psych

You know caning has fallen out of fashion in the United States but ask anyone who’s safely walked the immaculate sidewalks of Singapore after winning an international cheerleading competition, and they’ll tell you one thing — caning WORKS! And I think it’s about time we did a little more of it right here.

And to all those naysayers out there who say “That’s illegal. You can’t strike children on their bare buttocks with razor-sharp bamboo sticks!” Well to them I say “Yes we CANE!” And that’s how Sue C’s it!

Glee

We don't arrest people for being creepy.

Yeah, Bruce, you know that guy we got in the tank?

Ah, the creepy one?

Yeah, better let him go.

Hoodwinked

You have gone too far. You have married Fester, you have destroyed his spirit, you have taken him from us. All that I could forgive. But Debbie...

What?

...pastels?

Addams Family Values

I will fight you.

You will lose.

Where's your compassion?

Nowhere you can get at it.

Doubt

You want me to translate the German instructions for you?

No I'm sure they're pretty much the same as the English instructions.

Pssh. Typical American arrogance that got us involved in war we never should have been in. World War Two.

Well, fine. Do the German instructions say what this is supposed to do?

Deutsch. Let me see here... it is either an insense dispenser... or a, ceremonial sarcophagus.

Humph.

-----------

My German is pre-Industrial and mostly religious.

The Office

And sitting there, sea drifting in around them, Wolf had understood for the first time what kind of life he wanted to live with Faith. Maybe they wouldn't rise up into the sky the way he'd thought, maybe the real thing was doing what his parent had done, pay the rent, read the paper, hell maybe that was the dare. To love--day in, day out. Just live. It felt like a revelation.

Invisible Circus | Jennifer Egan

This is just too much. I mean, yesterday my life's like, "Uh oh, pop quiz." Today it's "rain of toads."


Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Ok. You didn't maintain a hundred beats per minute. And the ambulance didn't arrive because no body called 911. So you lost 'em.

Ok. He's dead. Anyone know what we do next? Anybody? Rose?

I have no idea.

We bury him.

Wrong. Check for an organ donor card. If he has one we only have minutes to harvest.

He has no wallet, I checked.

He is an organ donor.

He is? Give me some ice in a Styrofoam bucket. We search for the organs! Where's the heart? The precious heart.

The Office

The moon and the sun are eternal travelers. Even the years wander on. A lifetime adrift in a boat, or in old age leading a tired horse into the years, every day is a journey, and the journey itself is home. From the earliest times there have always been some who perished along the road. Still I have always been drawn by the windblown clouds into dreams of a lifetime of wandering.

Narrow Road to the Interior and Other Writings | Matsuo Basho translated by Sam Hamill

Hey, what happened?

Where were you guys? Do you know how long I’ve been waiting here?

Well we are here now, so let’s go.

Yes! Yes! Oh! I have so much joy in my heart! Right now! How do I look?

You look great.

You look great.

The Office